A trainee pilot was on approach to a small GA field in Texas at night, and 
when asked by ATC to identify himself, he decided to be a bit cocky and 
said, "Guess who?". The controller on duty duly responded by turning off 
the runway lights and replied, "Guess where?"


An Aer Lingus flight is on short finals to Dublin airport when the 
co-pilot says to the captain, "By Christ, cap'n, dat bloody runway looks 
mighty short - d'ya tink we're gonna make it?". "Aye", replies the 
captain, "'tis bloody short but oi tink we'll do it". So, as the plane 
touches down, the crew engage full reverse thrust and apply the brakes as 
hard as they can, until the aircraft comes to rest just inches from the 
end of the runway. "Jesus", says the captain, "dat's gotta be the shortest 
runway oi ever landed on!". "Yeah", replies the co-pilot, "but look how 
wide it is!"


A passenger waiting in the departure lounge at Heathrow spots a 
friendly-looking stewardess and approaches her to ask a few questions. 
"Excuse me", he says, "is that my plane out the window there?". "No sir", 
she replies, "it belongs to the airline...". "OK", says the chap, "I'll 
put it another way - can I take that plane to Los Angeles?". "No sir", is 
again the reply, "it's far too heavy to carry and it won't fit in your 
baggage..."


Did you hear about Scandinavian ATC losing an MD80? It vanished into 
Finnair!


A man is checking in at the American Airlines desk at Heathrow for a 
flight to Chicago. The woman behind the desk says, "Do you have any 
baggage to check in sir?". "Yes I do", says the man, "I have two 
suitcases. I'd like one to go to Hong Kong and the other to go to 
Frankfurt please". "I'm sorry, that's impossible sir", replies the girl, 
"this flight is going to Chicago". "Well you bloody did it last time...", 
replies the man.


Did you know that Heathrow is the only building site in the world with its 
own airport...


You have to love Boeing's new super-stretches. Take the 757-300, for 
instance - the pilot's at 6,000ft over the Atlantic whilst the passengers 
at the rear are still on the runway at JFK!


A well-dressed man walks into a bank at Heathrow airport, goes up to the 
counter and says to the clerk, "I'd like to borrow £1,000 please, to be 
paid back in full when I return from my business trip a week today". 
"Certainly sir", replies the clerk, "do you have any collateral you can 
leave with us until you return?". "I certainly do", replies the man, 
pulling a set of keys from his briefcase. "Here are the keys to my 
Ferrari, parked on the first floor of the multi-storey. You looking after 
it for a week should count as sufficient collateral". The clerk agrees and 
the man goes off on his trip. He returns exactly a week later, walks into 
the bank and approaches the same clerk. "I'm back!", he exclaims, "Now 
what do I owe you?". "Well sir", says the clerk, "including a bit of 
interest for the week, the total repayment is £1,014". The man hands over 
the money in cash and in return receives the keys to his Ferrari. Just 
before he walks away, the puzzled clerk enquires, "Sir, I hope you don't 
mind me asking, but why would a man of your obvious means need to borrow 
£1,000 for a week?". "Well", says the man, "where the hell else can I get 
a week's parking at Heathrow for £14?!!!?"


A few slogans used to 'advertise' the now-defunct Dan-Air London (or 
Dan-Dare, as they were known!)...

Dan-Air - enjoy our in-flight movie in the plane next to us!
Dan-Air - landing in a street near you soon!
Dan-Air - the kids'll love our drop-down oxygen masks!
Dan-Air - if for any reason we don't land on a runway... rest assured 
we'll settle for a taxiway or the grass!


An elderly blind lady had just arrived at London's Heathrow airport, and 
as the aircraft was only stopping off for a short while, she opted to 
remain on board for the duration of the stop. She felt, however, that her 
guide dog should stretch its legs, and asked the pilot if he would kindly 
take the dog for a stroll in the terminal building. The pilot agreed. 
Imagine the look on the faces of waiting passengers as their pilot walked 
through the gate lounge with a guide dog.....!


Q: What does LUFTHANSA stand for?
A: Let Us Fondle The Hostess And Not Say Anything!