in score order)
How do you get two piccolos to play a perfect unison? Shoot one.
What's the definition of a minor second? Two flutists playing a unison.
What's the difference between an oboe and an onion? Nobody cries when you chop up the oboe.
What' the dlfference between playing an English horn solo and wetting your pants? Both give you a warm feeling but no one else cares.
What's the difference between a bassoon and a trampoline? You take off your shoes when you jump on a trampoline.
Why'd the chicken cross the road? To get away from the bassoon recital.
Why do clarinetists leave their cases on their dashboards? So they can park in handicapped zones.
What's the definition of a nerd? Someone who owns their own alto clarinet.
What do you call a bass clarinetist with half a brain? Gifted.
What's the difference between a lawn mower and a soprano sax? You can tune the lawn mower.
How do you make a chain saw sound like a bad sax? Add vibrato.
How many trumpet players does it take to change a light bulb? Five. One to handle the bulb and four to say how much better they could have done it.
How do you make a trombone sound like a French hom? Put your hand in the bell and miss a lot of notes.
What's the definition of a gentleman? Someone who knows how to play the trombone, but doesn't.
What's the difference between a dead trombonist in the road and a dead country singer in the road? The country singer may have been on the way to a recording session.
What's the range of a tuba? Twenty yards if you've got a good arm.
What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians? A drummer.
How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb?. None. They have machines to do that now.
What did the timpanist get on his IQ test? Drool.
What' the definition of a quarter tone? A harpist tuning unison strings.
Why are pianists' fingers like lightning? They rarely strike the same spot twice.
How can you tell if a violin is out of tune? The bow is moving.
How do you make a vioblin sound like a viola? Sit in the back and don't play.
How do you know If a viola section is at your front door? No one knows when to come in.
What's the difference between a violist and a dog? The dog knows when to stop scratching.
How do you get a violist to play a downbow staccato? Put a tenuto murk over a whole note and mark it solo.
Why are violins smaller than violas? They're really the same size. Violinists' heads are larger.
What's the difference between a cello and a viola? The cello burns longer.
What's the difference between a cello and a coffin? The coffin has the stiff inside.
Why are orchestra intermissions limited to 20 minutes? So the cellists don't have to be retrained.
Why did the bass player get mad at the timpanist? He turned one of the tuning pegs and wouldn't tell which one.
What's the definition of a really bad bass player? Even the ssction notices.
How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb? None. The pianist can do that with her left hand.
What's the difference between a soprano and the PLO? You can negotiate with the PLO.
How does the soprano change a light bulb? She just holds it and the world revolves around her.
What' the difference between a dressmaker and an alto? The dressmaker tucks up the frills.
If you took all the tenors in the world and laid them end to end, it would be a good idea. 
What do you call ten baritones at the bottom of the ocean? A good start.
If you drop a conductor and a watermelon off a tall building, which will hit the ground first? Who cares?
What's the difference between a conductor and a sack of fertilizer? The sack.
Why are conductors' heads coveted for transplants? They've had so little use.
Why do bagpipers walk when they play? To get away from the noise.
How do you get a guitar player to play softer? Give him a sheet of music.