HOW TO DRIVE IN SEATTLE THE LEFT LANE 1. Always drive in the left lane 2. Where possible, drive slow in the left lane (also see 6) 3. If it's a 3-lane freeway, stay in the left lane and try to pace your car with the other 2 lanes 4. Even if they flash their lights and curse at you, stay in the left lane and go slow 5. When they finally do pass you (on the right), be very self-righteous and indignant about these types who would endanger YOUR safety by passing on the right. 6. Speed up until you can pace another set of cars on the right, permanently trapping 'the passer'. 7. If the car in front pulls over to let you pass (a rare occurence but 'out-of-towners' do this), overtake then slow down to box in the car you've just overtaken. THE WEATHER 1. Cut your speed in half at the first hint of precipitation. Such unusual conditions merit caution. 2. Remember, guns don't kill people, RAIN DOES. 3. In the event of snow, dispose of all common sense and forget you know anything about physics 4. On those 3 days each year when the sun shines, go ahead and still cut your speed in half to stay in practice for the rainy days. MASS TRANSIT 1. Hate it. Reject it. It is of the devil. It leads to teenage pregnancy. Only you can stop it. 2. If we kill all the trees in Seattle with our auto pollution, we can always bring some more in from Kansas. 3. If we make enough pollution on I-5, you won't even have to see the ugly Kingdome from the freeway. 4. Lobby the legislature to keep the carpool lanes restricted 24 hours a day, because you never know when they might change rush hour to say, 11am, or 2 in the morning. This might even land you a job in the State Highway Dept., where you could spend all day creating masterpieces like the 405/520 interchange or the 75 Arboretum/Montlake ramps that serve no apparent purpose by leading to nowhere. Seattle Driving - Frequently Asked Questions ================================= As anyone who has been in Seattle for a length of time probably knows, driving in Seattle can be quite a jarring experience for visitors, newcomers, and others unaccustomed to the driving habits of Seattle residents. Therefore, this brief primer has been developed to aid them in what can be a difficult adjustment. Feel free to add your own tips and/or suggestions. WHAT IS IT WITH DRIVERS IN THIS CITY? EVERYONE EITHER DRIVES LIKE MY GRANDMA OR LIKE AN INSANE MANIAC. The reason for this erratic behavior is two-fold. The unremittingly bleak and cloudy weather in the Puget Sound area creates a general feeling of lethargy in most residents (hence the slow drivers). In order to counteract this somnolence, many residents partake of a substance called variously, "latte" or "espresso", common names for a powerful drug that stimulates the nervous system much like cocaine. However, this "latte" also induces a kind of manic paranoia in many users, especially in the mornings when they are either high on the drug, or suffering withdrawal symptoms from not having had their daily dosage. Therefore, the roads are often crowded with irritable, impatient drivers whose behavior may be classified as mildly psychotic. I'M MAKING A LEFT TURN ON A GREEN LIGHT. THE CAR FACING ME IS MAKING A RIGHT TURN AT THE SAME TIME. WHO HAS THE RIGHT OF WAY? You do. You see, even though in most other states, the person turning right has the right-of-way, Seattle drivers have received special dispensation from the Washington legislature to disregard this rule. Although you may still find this law in the Department of Transportation book of regulations, feel free to disregard it. Everyone else does! WHENEVER I'M ON THE ON-RAMP OF A FREEWAY, I SEE THESE RED-AND-WHITE TRIANGULAR SHAPED SIGNS THAT READ "YIELD." WHAT ARE THESE FOR? Due to a mix-up by the DOT, these signs, which indicate that the driver must yield right-of-way, were misaligned so that they face the person entering the freeway. In fact, as any amount of observation of drivers merging into traffic on Seattle freeways will demonstrate, it is the drivers in the main flow of traffic who must yield. To correct this situation, whenever merging onto the freeway, simply go as fast as possible and cut right into traffic, forcing those behind you to swerve or slam on their brakes. In fact, for all intents and purposes, always regard a YIELD sign as meaning that others must yield, not you. YIKES! THERE'S A COP ON THE ROAD. HOW DO I HANDLE THIS? Immediately slow down to about half the posted speed limit. Sure, you'll slow down traffic, but you'll be doing those "speed demons" a favor and besides, you can never be too sure! I DRIVE A BEAT-UP WRECK OF A PICKUP TRUCK THAT WON'T GO OVER 40 MPH. WHICH LANE OF THE FREEWAY SHOULD I STICK TO? The far left lane is the way to go, since you only have to worry about drivers entering your lane from the right. Sure, a lot of people (mostly those-ugh-out-of-staters) seem to think that the far left lane is a "passing" lane or a "fast" lane, but hey, I sure don't see any signs that say so. Go ahead and drive as slow as you want, no matter how many cars are lined up behind you, rudely flashing their brights. Remember, you have just as much right to that lane as they do! I KEEP SEEING PEOPLE ON BICYCLES RIDING ON THE SAME ROAD AS ME. WHAT'S THE DEAL? These are basically just pedestrians on oversized Big Wheels. Disregard them. If they're on the road, be sure to give them a friendly little warning, by veering close to them or running them off the road. They don't pay hundreds of dollars for vehicle registrations, why should they enjoy the privileges of the road? Plus, they criticize us drivers for exercising our hard-bought privileges. Screw 'em! SOMETIMES, I SEE THIS EXTRA LANE THAT'S MARKED WITH A FUNNY LOOKING BLACK-AND-WHITE SIGN THAT SAYS "CARPOOL ONLY." WHAT DOES IT MEAN? The term "carpool" means, literally, a "pool" for "cars." In other words, it's a refuge for heated drivers to "dive" into to cool down and have a relaxing "swim" in the tide of traffic. So what it means is that, if you're feeling annoyed with the slow pace of traffic, go ahead and dive right into the carpool lane and ZOOM! Fun for one OR a group! THERE'S A COOL ACCIDENT ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD. WHAT DO I DO? Of course, you can never see too many road accidents. I mean, it's not as if they happen everyday or you've seen them all. So in order to get the best view of any gore or neat wreckage, slow your vehicle to about 30mph and crank your neck as much as you can to take it all in. You'll be doing your fellow drivers a favor, too, since everyone would rather watch a car wreck than get to work on time. SOME OF MY FRIENDS FROM OUT OF STATE THINK SEATTLE DRIVERS ARE ANNOYING. WHAT CAN I TELL THEM? Hey, you pay your taxes, so it's your road, remind them that they are only 'guests' and that they must understand that since locals own the road they are entitled to do whatever they like on it!